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I want to get off this ride.

I can't hold on
I'm falling fast
and now, in you
I see my past 
The ugly side of love
That erupts through 
beats me blue
and leaves 
me 
cold
as ice. 
All those beautiful moments
they have their price
because when summer turns to fall
it reminds us all 
that everything must come to an end
And with that, I will send
my heart
sailing 
through waves of grief 
trying to dock on any common ground 
that could possible be found
between us
But between us? 
There's noting left. 
There is nothing left to ride for... 

written April 30th 2016

And maybe one day 
I'll wake up
and you won't just be a dream;

My seascape
depicting the depths I crave
falling all over you like a work of art
dripping
streaming
over f  l   o    w     i      n       g
consumed by the light in your eyes
so gently guiding me home 

Meet me in the waves
crash me down 
and devour me whole 

written September 16th 2018

I'm lying every time I say I don't miss you
Cause I do
I miss my friend
We may not have mad the most romantic relationship
but you were my best friend

I miss your smile first thing in the morning, 
cracking open before your eyes arise
playing music on your phone before we get up
dancing around the room in your boxers just to get me to 
laugh off my groggy morning slump

Late nights
staying up in the smoke
sitting around the table
listening to absurd ideas that came running from my mouth 
cracking a joke to break the vibe when I get too serious
You never made me feel absurd 
You always had your fathers sense of humor

Family dinners
Aunties vibrantly yelling over top of smells of curry and spice coming from the kitchen
"I'm tellin' ya boy!" taunting you in tricky trini accents
You and your dad both passed out in arms chains in the living room
while us ladies gossip and laugh
I miss feeling like part of the family.

But I have to remind myself
That this feeling of missing you 
was there all along. 

It was there for weeks when you were gone
No phone calls
No texts
No facetime
Just emptiness
And then it started creeping in 
when you were home
Space
Distance
Between us
I remember sitting across the room from you and 
m    i    s    s    i    n    g         you. 
Feeling as if there was an entire universe between us.
And soon, we became

Separate. 

We are separate beings. 
I am I, and you as you. 
I cannot make you want me. 
And I took what you were showing me and I ran with it. 

And here I am, sitting alone by the river, missing my friend that once was. 

written August 29th 2018

I wish I could talk to you right now
Tell you I'm sorry that I didn't make it 
I wish I knew what your reply would be 
This emptiness in its place has me feeling, 
well, 
empty. 

I wish you could tell me a lot of things
Like how to keep us all together 
But lately, it's felt separate. 
Your absence definitely is known for these past two years
There's a lot of opinions stated
Not a lot of cooperation or resolution created
I read the will, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like what's going on down here. 

Well, would you?

(silence) 

Empty. 

The spot you left in our family is empty
Someone to lead us but instead the lead is empty
This hole in my heart is gaping open cause its empty
All these questions in my head, but your answers, gone, its empty
I feel like the last I got to give is draining empty
I'm digging deep to find my strength but nothing's left, I'm empty
I'm trying to hold hope, levels are low, its getting empty
What will I do when nothings left, when we are all
empty?

(anxiety begins.) 

Written October 5th 2018

A girl is a book
All you need to do is read the pages
to understand her
But instead you waste your time
on movies and TV series
video games and anything that
moves too quickly
skips details
that isn't thorough
You look at the obvious 
the in your face, here I am 
see me, touch me, give me all your attention types 
of ways
to see a girl
And you miss out on the deep
the intricate, the complex
written word of the woman. 

Open your third eye to read me. 
Feel me. 
I am not just here to be seen.